When Special Needs Moms Goof: 3 Things to Remember When You Miss the Grace Period

The seriousness of my son’s potential new diagnosis consumed a great deal of my thoughts and emotional energy. The specialist had worked us in for the test for the coming week. I bolded the appointment time on my calendar and mentally made a note to wake up early the following Thursday. That very important morning came, and I awoke to my alarm. As I was drinking my coffee and talking with my husband, I felt like I was forgetting something. I looked at my phone. 8 am.

Oh, my goodness. No! His test! We’re supposed to be there in 30 minutes! How could I have forgotten?

I shook my son, jolting him awake. Then I jumped in the shower and was dressing three minutes later. Twenty minutes later we were backing out of the driveway. I dialed the doctor’s office and explained that we were running late. The receptionist stated that she would let the team know, but she didn’t make any promises.

Are we going to miss the grace period? No, he has to have this test done. Come on car! Are you out for a leisurely tour of Nashville?

We circled around the valet parking and rushed to the elevators. The ride lasted an eternity as it stopped on every floor. My mother’s gut churned as we rushed up to the check-in counter.

“My son has an important test scheduled for this morning. I know that we’re running really late, but is there any way they can still do the test? He really needs to have it done.” The lady showed compassion but again made no promises. We were 32 minutes late.

Five minutes later she called us back up. “They are not going to be able to do the test. You are going to need to reschedule for two weeks from now.”

Two weeks? How could I have goofed this badly?

I’d like to share three critical things that I’ve learned over the years on how to respond when I goof as a special needs mom.

1. There’s No Such Thing as a Perfect Mom

It took me years to finally realize and accept that no one is perfect. NO ONE. Yes, not even us special needs supermoms. Those years when I lived in the bondage to the unrealistic expectations that I should never mess up, forget an appointment, or not do every single rehab or behavioral exercise with my children, I believed that I was somehow defective and not a good enough mom. That’s a lie. A fallacy. And it’s counterproductive. Being trapped in those messages that we tell ourselves actually makes us less effective as moms.

When we stand up to the lie and embrace our beautiful imperfections as moms, then we can live and mother in freedom and joy.

What unhelpful messages do you say to yourself? Tell yourself: “I’m imperfect. I make mistakes. I can never do everything perfectly. No one can. I’m a wonderful and beautiful mom, caregiver, and advocate for my child.”

How does it feel to validate yourself?

I highly recommend The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown.

2. Give Yourself a Break

Give yourself a break! Caring for your child with developmental, medical, or mental health special needs and disabilities is three full-time jobs or even possibly six jobs. Six jobs? Keep reading to find out how!

Your first desire is to love your precious child as Mom. Second, you are Expert Caregiver–possibly their medical and services coordinator, advocate, and nurse. You sit at the hospital for appointments, procedures, and admissions, make endless phone calls, write emails, and fill out paperwork. Third, you are their Developmental Specialist–you advocate with the school, go to multiple appointments, collaborate with therapists, and do the exhausting rehab and behavioral exercises at home. Three full-time jobs. And if you have more children–four jobs. Plus possibly all of the housework and cooking–five jobs. And God bless you if you also work outside the home! Six jobs!

I don’t know how you do it, because I’ve tried in the past. Let’s just say everything about fell apart.

Stop and take a deep breath. Then, extend yourself compassion and grace. Say to yourself: “I’m doing an amazing job caring for and advocating for my child. I can’t do it all. I’m doing my best.” Then say: “Ok, now how do I need to address this situation?”

You can read more about moving From Perfectionism to Self-Compassion.

I also highly recommend checking out Kristin Neff’s books on Self-Compassion.

3. You Can Never Miss God’s Grace Period

And the most important thing to remember–You can never miss God’s grace period. God is always waiting to welcome you. He’s standing at the check-in counter, himself, ready to meet with you. His grace period never ends while we are still breathing. It doesn’t matter how much you have messed up, avoided the appointment, cancelled, or even walked out before.

You’re always welcome to come back when you’re ready.

Jesus is the best doctor, therapist, and surgeon in the universe. He will care for you, counsel you, and comfort you through anything you’re experiencing. He just wants to be with you and for you to come to him.

What new message are you going to practice telling yourself?

Please share to help other moms in the comments section below.

Blessings,

Kristin

Kristin Faith Evans, MA, MS, LMSW

Kristin is an author, a speaker, a mental health therapist, and a special needs mom. Her greatest passion is walking with others on their journey to deeper faith and emotional healing. As a Licensed Masters Social Worker and with her Masters in Christian Education, she has served in youth, camping, and retreat ministries and is experienced in Christian counseling, couples and family therapy, substance abuse treatment, and crisis counseling. Kristin lives with her husband, Todd, and their two children in the Nashville, TN area. When she is not enjoying life with her family, writing or working with clients, you can find Kristin training for triathlons, reading, or simply being out in nature. Visit her author website at www.KristinFaithEvans.com.