3 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage with Special Needs Children

Todd and Kristin Faith Evans

Parenting a child with medical, developmental, or mental health special needs or disabilities can be one of the most meaningful and rewarding callings in life. And, caring for your child can create intense strain, conflict, and emotional distance in your marriage. So, we’re sharing three ways you can work toward strengthening your marriage.

1. Validate One Another

When we began to experience the stress and grief of learning that our daughter, Bethany Grace, was struggling to survive in the womb due to her severe chromosomal deletion, the two of us began to survive in our own ways. Todd went into practical survival mode, and I became lost in trauma and grief. At the time we needed each other most, we could not figure out how to connect or support one another.

At three-months-old our daughter came home from the NICU. The distance grew even more between Todd and me. I felt like he just couldn’t understand what I was going through emotionally. Trying to meet the day-to-day challenges felt overwhelming to him. He disconnected from his emotions more and more. Through years of therapy and fighting for our marriage, we finally learned to validate one another’s thoughts, experiences, and emotions. We began to connect and feel loved again.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

~Ephesians 4:1-3

Offering these phrases and questions dramatically strengthened our marriage:

“That seems like it was really hard for you. It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”

“How can I support you?”

“I believe you, and I love you.”

“Tell me about what’s going on. It seems like things have been hard for you.”

“What’s stressing you out the most?”

You may not understand what your spouse is feeling or going through. That’s actually very likely. What’s important is simply stopping and checking in. Set aside five minutes a day to connect and guard it with your life. Practice saying one of these phrases or ask one of these questions and watch how it will deepen your emotional intimacy.

Which phrase or question will you say to your spouse today?

2. Get Away Together

Neglecting getting away for time alone together grew to be a major factor in the decline of our relationship. My psychiatrist gave me one of the best pieces of marriage advice I’ve ever received. At my lowest point, he said to me, “If the two of you do not find a way to get away together, it is not going to end well.” Four-and-a-half years after Bethany Grace was born, we finally made the plunge and got away on a trip together. It took coordinating three grandparents and private nursing, and Bethany Grace fought a 105 degree fever all week, but we had to. We’ve realized that there’s never a good time.

My beloved speaks and says to me: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.”

~Song of Solomon 2:10, ESV

Spending time alone together is critical for the health of any marriage, but especially when caring for children with special needs. It may feel like getting out of the house together is impossible. We get it. We’ve been in that hopeless place. The lack of finances and inability to find qualified and trusted respite care for your child’s needs are a huge roadblock. But, we are encouraging you to do everything you can to make it happen, and soon.

Get out of the house for two hours to eat a meal alone together. Get away to a hotel in town for one night. And work toward escaping out of town for a couple of nights together. Sometimes we just stay twenty minutes away for two nights near the children’s hospital just in case. It makes such an incredible difference!

What is one step you can take to work toward planning to escape together?

3. Grieve Together

Perhaps one of the experiences that drives a wedge between couples the most is not knowing how to grieve together. Once I began to feel invalidated by Todd, I shut down. I turned inside to grieve in my own way. Let’s just say that the way I coped (or tried to) was far from healthy. And Todd just avoided feeling emotions and grieving altogether.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

~Matthew 5:4

Remember, the two of you may not have the strength to let yourselves feel and process those painful emotions together. That’s why inviting God to pull the two of you together makes all the difference. Allow Him to counsel and comfort the two of you, three as one. Also, allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Receiving God’s comfort in your personal loss has the power to heal you and bring you peace. This is one of my favorite verses that always brings me comfort–“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 ). Give into His compassionate embrace.

Learn healthy ways to manage grief

We hope that you and your spouse feel empowered and encouraged by these three ways you can work toward a thriving marriage.

What other ways do you strengthen your marriage?

We’d love to hear from you! Tell us your ideas in the comments.

Blessings on your marriage and family,

Todd and Kristin

Learn more about strengthening your marriage

Here are some additional resources we recommend:

Key Ministry

Rising Above Ministries

Focus on the Family

All Scripture references are from the New International Version unless otherwise noted.

Kristin Faith Evans, MA, MS, LMSW & William Todd Evans, MA, PhD

Todd and Kristin have been married for twenty years and have two children with differing rare genetic disorders and complex needs. They are coauthoring a marriage book for couples parenting children with special needs and disabilities. Their greatest passion is walking with others on their journeys to deeper faith and emotional healing. They both completed their Masters in Christian spiritual formation at Wheaton College, co-receiving the Lois LeBar Award. They have served together in church, camping, and retreat ministries. Kristin is a Christian author, speaker, and a Licensed Masters Social Worker. She is experienced in Christian counseling, couples & family therapy, substance abuse treatment, and crisis counseling. They enjoy traveling and the outdoors together.