6 Ways Caregivers Can Thrive in Stronger Mental Health

When my pregnancy with my daughter, Bethany Grace, jolted into a nightmare ride, daily trauma began to impact me. This chronic stress and trauma began to change my body chemistry and brain functioning before she was even born. Her fetal distress and my emergency caesarean section after they had already called it added to my future diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. It was years later that I learned how to manage the extreme stress and strain on my mental health. I hope these six tips help you thrive in stronger mental health.

Every parent’s story is unique. We have experiences as vast as the spectrum of the characteristics of our children’s disabilities and special needs. But we all share some things in common.

Caring for our children with special needs significantly increases our risk for developing clinical mental health symptoms–up to 2x. We experience anger, grief, anxiety, and depression more often than other parents. That’s why we need to be intentional about Early Intervention, a term that many of us know all too well. There are simple ways that we can strengthen our mental health resilience.

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This is one time that you don’t have to do the research, because I’ve already scoured it for you. Here are six of the ways that you can become stronger and more resilient mentally and emotionally.

1. Validate Your Reality and Emotions

It’s easy to feel negative, self-defeating emotions like guilt and shame when we’re caring for our children with special needs or disabilities. These self-condemning emotions can stem from what messages we’re telling ourselves.

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?

“I should be doing more.”

“If only I had…”

“Why can’t I get it all done?”

“How could I think that?”

“I’m a bad parent.”

“It’s not right that I’m sad about…”

“I can’t even take care of my own child without help.”

Let’s look at these unhelpful messages that we might say to ourselves. Special needs parents could always do more and more and more to help their children. More therapy, more follow-up with doctors, more research, more advocating, and on and on. But at what cost? Look at all of your responsibilities–it’s a lot. You’d have to clone yourself three times in order to do everything you want to get done. Even then, it will never all be done perfectly.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

Healthier self-statements would be:

“My situation isn’t typical. All of the responsibilities are overwhelming. I’m doing the best that I can, and I’m a really good parent and advocate for my child.”

“By asking for help, I’m taking better care of my child. It doesn’t say anything about me as a parent that I need assistance in caring for my child. I’m getting them the care that they need.”

“This is hard. It makes sense that I’m feeling this way considering all that I’ve been through and all that’s going on.”

Read more about how to break free from guilt and shame.

Validate Your Emotions

When we brought my daughter home from the NICU at three-months-old, I just tried to survive each hour. But I also wouldn’t allow myself to stop and think–because I thought I might break down crying if I actually thought about my life. But looking back I realize that’s exactly what would have been most helpful. I didn’t allow myself to grieve. Intense emotions were left unattended to. Traumatic events grew in power. And there were dire consequences. I spiraled into a severe mental health crisis which required more intensive and extended treatment in order to recover.

If you’re feeling a hard emotion, stop. Ask yourself, “What’s causing me to feel this way?” It could be a current situation like seeing another child your child’s age or leaving a difficult specialist appointment. Or it could be an ongoing situation causing a wave of emotions to surface. Even if you can’t pinpoint a specific event, think about all that you’re experiencing that could cause that emotion. Allow yourself to feel the emotion. Then, show yourself compassion and comfort yourself with kind thoughts. Read more about how to manage grief in healthy ways.

2. Find Strength in Your Faith

Faith and mental health struggles are often interconnected. Studies show that parents of children with special needs are also at greater risk for experiencing faith struggles in addition to mental health conditions. But a healthy relationship with God has been found to improve mental health and is linked to stronger resilience when people are experiencing extreme stress.

Read more in my previous post on growing your faith and finding new perspective.

The opposite has also been shown. Avoidance of God has been linked to increased mental health symptoms. One research study concluded that religious and spiritual struggles are “robust predictors of poor mental and physical health outcomes” (Grubbs, 2016). When people who are experiencing significant stress turn to their faith to cope, they experience more positive psychological outcomes. Faith in God gives us hope, which is the antithesis of depression.

3. Use New Coping Skills

Like their children, parents of children with special needs sometimes need to learn new skills that most parents usually never even think about. Everyone can benefit from developing new stress management skills, but especially us special needs parents. Here are just a few of the most powerful tools to manage stress and regulate emotions.

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Read More about quick coping skills.

Tense and Relax Your Muscles

When we become stressed, our brain gears up to fight or flight. Our muscles tense, our heartrate quickens, and our breathing can become faster.

But when we relax our muscles, our brains and emotions calm down. This is a simple exercise that can greatly calm your body, mind, and emotions. Ideally, you can steal away to a private room to complete this exercise. But if you are unable to leave where you are, just practice it where you’re standing. Depending on how much time you have, I’ve provided a 2-minute and a 5-minute version.

2-Minute Exercise

1. Take a deep cleansing breath.
2. Then, beginning at the top of your head, move down through your different muscle groups.
3. Tense as tightly as you can for 5 seconds, then quickly relax your muscles.
4. Head: Imagine a warm light lifting your head
5. Face: Make a big smile. Hold it for 5 seconds, then drop your cheeks.
6. Shoulders: Tense your shoulders up to your chin. Hold for 5 seconds, then drop.
7. Tense and release your arms, abs, upper and lower legs, and tense your toes like you’re squishing mud.
8. Take a slow, deep breath. Smile. Then go back to your day.

My favorite—“The Lemon Squeeze.” Pretend you’re holding a lemon in your hand. Even better—get a lemon out of the fridge! Squeeze, squeeze hard for 5 seconds. Quickly drop the lemon. Repeat in your other hand.

5-Minute Exercise

Steal away to a quiet room. Lie down on the floor or on your bed. Slowly practice the exercise above. Then go back up from your feet all the back up to the top of your head.

Mindfulness

Living mindfully is essentially being fully in the present moment. When we are ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, we open ourselves up to increased anxiety and depression.

Focus fully on what you’re doing one thing at a time. For example, if you’re washing dishes, give 100% of your attention to hearing the water run, smelling the soap, feeling your hand scrub the dish and the heat from the water. Slowly dry the dish with a towel.

Sensory Walk

Go for a 5-15 minute walk outside (if possible) or sit quietly. Silently, notice your surroundings with your senses. What do you smell, see, hear? Feel God’s presence all around you.

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Mindfully going throughout our day lowers our stress levels by telling our body and brain, “It’s okay. You can calm down from battle mode.”

Deep Breathing

Taking even a couple of deep cleansing breaths throughout the day can calm our nervous system and help regulate our emotions. There are numerous exercises that you can practice. But even basic deep breaths are very powerful.

Practice this exercise:

1. Breathe in slowly through your nose for four seconds.
2. Feel the air come in through your nose down to filling your lungs.
3. Hold for four seconds.
4. Slowly exhale through your mouth like you are blowing through a straw for four seconds.
5. Do this two more times.

For more deep breathing exercises while meditating on Scripture, get my FREE ebook.

4. Reach for Support

Research shows that healthy relationships with family, friends, other special needs parents, and significant others greatly determines the health of special needs parents.

I wish I could have a do over. When my daughter first came home from the NICU at 3-months-old, I was a nervous wreck. Caring for my fragile and medically complex daughter terrified me. Her severe developmental disabilities and nonstop rehab therapies overwhelmed me. I felt like no one else in the world could understand what I was going through. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

But there were other parents going through similar experiences. Looking back, I can see that now.

Several people had suggested that I join a support group. “Is there a group for Bethany Grace’s specific syndrome?” I knew that there was a Facebook group. But I couldn’t bring myself to check it out. Why? Because that would have made it real for me. I was denying my reality which only made me spiral more. Instead of reaching out, I isolated. If I had joined a group, even an online group during those early critical months and years, I believe that my mental health would not have declined to the extreme that it did.

Research has shown that participating in a support group can help improve mental health. Social connection and support have been found as one of the most critical variables in lowering levels of stress, anxiety, and depression.

Read more about the benefits of attending a support group.

5. Go for Professional Help

It can be tricky to know when your situation is turning more into mental health conditions. Seek help as soon as you are beginning to wonder. The sooner you seek professional treatment the better your outcome will be, especially when you’ve experienced trauma.

Don’t wait like I did.

Seek a Mental Health Assessment when your mood:

• Begins to negatively impact your daily functioning and quality of life.

•  This situation lasts longer than two weeks.

• Causes you or others any concern.

Read more about telling the difference between typical caregiver stress and more serious mental health symptoms.

6. Care for Your Physical Health

Our mental health is directly connected to our physical health and vice versa. Respite breaks are critical to our physical and mental health. Even just getting outside for a 10-minute walk, to go somewhere for an hour, or get a nap can make a significant difference in our physical and mental health. Overwhelming research shows that just going for a walk can significantly improve serotonin production which improves depression.

In order to be the best mom, caregiver, and advocate for our children with additional needs, we must first take care of ourselves.

Here are some ideas for how to make an intentional decision to invest in your health today:

1. Make new healthy food choices
2. Drink more water
3. Cut down on sugar intake
4. Go for a walk
5. Try Yoga or Pilates
6. Exercise or do a physical activity
7. Make a doctor’s appointment to address health concerns
8. Take medications as prescribed
9. Find respite care to get more sleep
10. Establish a regular sleep schedule (I realize that this may not be possible without respite care)

We know that how we care for our physical health directly impacts our mental health. Engaging in one of these activities can contribute to improving our mood and perspective on the day.

How do you strengthen your mental health?

Help other parents by sharing your comments below.

Blessings,

Kristin

If you are in crisis or worried about your safety, call the national suicide prevention lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or go to your nearest emergency room.

Resources

Read more about mental health and special needs parenting

To learn more about your symptoms visit NIMH

Find help at the Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Find a mental health professional in your area

Go to the SAMHSA National Helpline

 *The contents of this article are intended for informational purposes only and not a substitute for seeking professional mental health or medical advice.

Kristin Faith Evans, MA, MS, LMSW

Kristin is an author, a speaker, a mental health therapist, and a special needs mom. Her greatest passion is walking with others on their journey to deeper faith and emotional healing. As a Licensed Masters Social Worker and with her Masters in Christian Education, she has served in youth, camping, and retreat ministries and is experienced in Christian counseling, couples and family therapy, substance abuse treatment, and crisis counseling. Kristin lives with her husband, Todd, and their two children in the Nashville, TN area. When she is not enjoying life with her family, writing or working with clients, you can find Kristin training for triathlons, reading, or simply being out in nature. Visit her author website at www.KristinFaithEvans.com

References

Ano, G. G., & Vasconcelles, E. B. (2005). Religious Coping and Psychological Adjustment to Stress: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 461-480.

Brehaut, J. C., Guevremont, A., Arim, R., Garner, R. E., Miller, A. R., McGrail, K. M., . . . Kohen, D. E. (2019). Using Canadian Administrative Health Data to Examine the Health of Caregivers of Children With and Without Health Problems: A Demonstration of Feasibility. Retrieved from International Journal of Population Data Science: www.ijpds.org

Corsi, M., Orsini, A., Pedrinelli, V., Santangel, A., Bertelloni, C. A., Carli, N., . . . Carmassi, C. (2021). PTSD in Parents of Children with Severe Diseases: A Systematic Review to Face Covid-19 Impact. Italian Journal of Pediatrics, 1-7. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1186/s13052-021-00957-1

Caruso, Jill M. “Stress, Anxiety, and Depression Experienced by Parents of Children with Special Needs and Self-Care Techniques.” ProQuest Dissertations Publishing, 2017.

Gajeton, K. L. (2015). Religious Coping and Spiritual Struggles in Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Virginia Beach, VA: Regent University .

Grubbs, J. B., Wilt, J., Stauner, N., Exline, J. J., & Pargament, K. I. (2016). Self, Struggle, and Soul: Linking Personality, Self-Concept, and Religious/Spiritual Struggle. Personality and Individual Differences, 144-152.

McGuire, J. M., & Pace, A. C. (2018). Self-Stigma of Depression in Christians Versus the General Population. Mental Health, Religion, & Culture, 601-608.

Scherer, N., Verhey, I., & Kuper, H. (2019). Depression and Anxiety in Parents of Children with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. PLoS ONE, 1-18. Retrieved from https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0219888